#13. Conquering the giant metal slide

You’re not sure what is more intimidating: the elevation at the top of the slide (felt like 10ft), or the heat waves rising from its STAINLESS STEEL chute.

Sure, that piece of industrial ghettoness has been baking in the 80 degree heat for the past six hours. Sure, your mom happened to dress you in your signature navy blue boy shorts that barely cover anything past your ass. But who cares?! All of that doesn’t matter. Today is the day you decide that you’re not gonna be afraid anymore; the day that you stop being a baby, and start being… a real boy! You hop in line and you’re determined to follow through this time.

Unfortunately, what you experience during your wait is anything but reassuring.

Your neighbor Kenny pushes his poor dog Buster down the slide, laughing maniacally as Buster stiffens and whimpers the whole ride down. Kenny is probably going to grow to be pretty messed up, you think to yourself, as you take your first step onto the rung of the ladder (and yes, yes he did…).

You try to remain focused and give yourself a pep talk through the background noise of interspersed high velocity screams of pain and the screeches of burning flesh. Kids didn’t ride this beast for fun; it was a rite of passage.

You’re finally at the top, but a wave of self-consciousness instantly wipes away your built up confidence. It’s lonely at the top. A quick breeze whips by and you crouch, clenching the handles in fear. Whining kids behind you tell you to hurry up and stop being a baby. You look at the kids scattered around the foot of the slide, vigorously rubbing their 3rd degree burns. You look down the ladder behind you. A queue of 10 kids occupies all 15 ladder steps. Shit! No one can save you now. An inescapable fate!

You take a deep breath, close your eyes, and let go…

Scccreeeech, bump, bump, screeeech! …yay :(.

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