#45. “How to Make $1 Million” brought to you by Disney’s Blank Check and The Law Offices of Larry H. Parker

It’s another lazy summer afternoon. You just finished watching a daytime rerun of last Sunday’s Magical World of Disney: Blank Check.

You come out of that cinematic adventure with several thoughts in mind.

1) How consistently awesome the intro to the Magical World of Disney is (watching it made you wish you were riding Star Tours).

1a) Are the Mickey Mouse logos on the Cinderella castle in Tokyo Disneyland really upside down? (0:20)

2) Wow! $1 million sure can buy a lot of fun!

– A castle with a water slide and batting cages (all for less than a million?! Where did he live, Detroit?)

– A Go-kart track

– Limo service

– A hot older chick to make out with. She’s three times your age, but in a good way.

3) And finally…how can I get a million dollars now???

You and your brother are bored, so you guys decide to take the bikes out for a ride. But before you get going, you flip the channel back to CBS in the hopes of catching one more Price is Right game… you wanna leave on a high note, and you’re ready to shout out, “the Cool Wh-ip is one-twenty-nine, Bob!”

But unfortunately, they’re on commercial, and it’s Larry H. Parker. Again.

My favorite commercials featured nonstop testimonials about how much money Larry H. Parker got them, just like this Weird Al remake:

“Larry H. Parker got ME 2.1 million dollars!”

$2.1 million dollars… $2.1 MILLION!!!

Rumors of how the commercials never show the guy’s body because he’s actually crippled and confined to a wheelchair doesn’t faze you. The thought of having $2.1 million consumes your mind. It’s double the pleasure, double the fun from what you just witnessed in Blank Check. You begin fantasizing about how much of your body you would be willing to sacrifice for $2.1 million in a twisted, “what would you do for a Klondike Bar” sort of way. You start viewing each approaching car in a new light.
Mazda? Pass. Ford? Pass. Saturn? Pass. Porsche? Maybeee? Should I do it?

You analyze the situation: It’s a shiny red car, which means the driver is flashy with his money. They’re going 35 in a 25 zone, so the law will definitely be on my side. If I get hit, maybe I’ll get $4.2 million!

During a brief moment of insanity, you consider jerking your handle bars towards oncoming traffic… but then you hold back.

You haven’t been taught any physics, but something in your brain tells you that the Porsche is going too fast, as it also triggers memories of those jolly Incredible Crash Test Dummies.

You and your scam artist accomplice decide instead to ride to Safeway to grab a quick snack: the usual 99 cent bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a Dr. Pepper.

“There must be an easier way…” you think to yourself.

Then it dawns on you that you too can recreate the Blank Check scenario!

You and your brother bolt to your bikes and take off, your heads constantly swiveling in search for any movement. Like ravenous seagulls, you ride up and down the lanes scanning for luxury cars. So far all soccer moms in minivans. No good.

But then in the distance, you spot an elderly couple loading up their groceries into the trunk of a… what’s this? A Rolls Royce! Gramps should have a slower reaction speed…Cha-Ching!

You hear the engine roar to a start as you begin your dash from 100 yards out. The white reverse lights switch on, as you get closer… and closer…. The car starts backing up… this is it!

Instead of putting your head down and riding through at full speed, your curiosity gets the best of you as you make the mistake of looking up towards the passenger side to check out the situation.

You see an 80 year old lady with permed white hair, much like the Grandma’s Cookie lady. She glances towards you, her eyes locking yours in slow motion, as you witness her sweet Bea Arthur-like countenance contort in horror from the intense, psychotic grin on your fearless face.

You’re all in. There’s not even a semblance of a flinch or an attempt to brace yourself for a collision. $2.1 million… $2.1 million… but then the Rolls Royce halts and misses you by inches!

Gramps must have been special, like how you’d expect a Sean Connery James Bond to age. He had the reaction speed that would make Mr. Rogers’ feel shameful in showcasing his ability to beautifully tie shoelaces as his primary marketable skill.

Dammit! Inches from payday!

Thanks Larry H. Parker for messing with my dreams. Your 91 % success rate and annoyingly aggressive tone had me convinced that you would make me a rich kid. One day, you’ll FIGHT FOR ME!


Photo sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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