#49. Which Milton Bradley/Parker Bros. game are you?

It’s true that you can learn a lot about someone by how they play games.

A review of the classic board games and what you really learned about your friends:

Guess Who?:

You started to suspect that your buddy Mike might be a racist when his first questions always assumed that your mystery person had dark skin and a beard. Racial profiling… for the win!

Conclusion: A future TSA employee


Jerry always whined until you played Battleship with him. It was his favorite game, but not because it was exciting in any way. He just loved guessing “I-1” during every round. You knew this would happen, so he never got a hit, but he would keep on guessing “I-1”, let out a bellowing laugh, then follow with, “are you sure? I-1! COME ON!”

Electronic Battleship just made things worse. Jerry would remix that “I-1” button until you grabbed a handful of the white “miss” pegs and threw them at his face.

Conclusion: The Arrogant Bastard

The drink of champions!

Mr. Bucket:

Mr. Bucket never made sense to me. Why put the ball into Mr. Bucket? He’s just gonna spit it right out. It was like an unending housekeeping training simulator or a mechanical fetching machine for well trained Golden Retrievers. If Mr. Bucket was your favorite game as a child, you are probably consistently jolly, and are still able to keep a smile even after the kitchen sink gets piled with more dishes immediately after you just cleaned it. God bless the Mr. Bucket lovers out there!

Conclusion: the Clean Freak

Mouse Trap:

You were mesmerized by the commercial and the potential awesomeness of this game. After weeks of begging at Toys ‘R Us and K.B. Toys, and after putting it as #2 on your list to Santa, you finally got Mouse Trap! The whole novelty of the game quickly wore off once you realized that setting the trap took about five minutes. Only a select few had the patience and the desire for perfection to tolerate this game.

Conclusion: Mild OCD


Everyone’s goal was to get Boardwalk and Park Place, but it was how you dealt with owning the monopoly that defined you as a person. You knew you were on a delicate tightrope. You sensed that the other players all slowly lost their will to win the moment you got the properties. If you were too aggressive with your monopoly, the game would be over before you could have the satisfaction of seeing someone actually land on your Death Pit of Debt.

Whenever Steve got the coveted monopoly, he never had leftover cash to build immediately. Good. You gauged that he needed at least more five trips around GO to start construction on his evil empire. But you were wrong. While you were stuck waiting for your next turn on Marvin Gardens, Steve got crafty, mortgaged the rest of his properties and instantly built a Trump Tower on both Boardwalk and Park Place. Guess what? You got double 5’s on your next roll, landed on Monopoly and owed over $4000. Steve has yet to step inside your room again.

Conclusion: The Merciless Asshole


Awesome game, but winning was as random and mindless as playing War, or 52-card pickup (everyone was tricked once). If Candyland was your favorite, you probably thought, “Ooh! Colorful squares are pretty!” at least seven times during the game.

Conclusion: the non-thinker.

Photo source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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One Response to #49. Which Milton Bradley/Parker Bros. game are you?

  1. Mark A says:

    Nice List. Allow me to add a few more:

    1. Chutes and Ladders:

    Who the hell thought this up? You had to think outside the box to enjoy this clusterfuck? This game was for the Abstract Artist/Experimental Film Director. Note: I asked David Lynch (Twin Peaks, Eraserhead, Mullholland Drive) about this game and he said “It’s the only game I ever played.” Then he dropped some X.

    2. Life:

    Man, this game had a heavy theme for kids: go to college, pay your taxes, get a job, have children, don’t go to jail. I was still worried about my crossover from sweatpants to jeans (which didn’t happen to til age 11). This game is for the career CPA.

    3. Risk

    I’ll skip to the punchline: “your first fist fight” and “career path: Kim Jong-Il.”

    Last note: Regarding Monopoly, if you ever want to play this lengthy, frustrating game without fear of permanently severing familial ties and damaging friendships, you can play a solo game against uncaring computer players online, in the old Nintendo version (apt for the site’s purpose): http://virtualnes.com/play/?id=NES-6B&s=9. Great for work or class.

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