#10. Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters
- Use a flamethrower to create a crispy on the outside, warm and gooey on the inside treat for the whole town to enjoy. Bring your own graham crackers and chocolate. OR
- Recruit a ravenous pack of sugar deprived kids, fresh off of being grounded for a month (preferably the ones who have the ice-cream truck jingle stuck in their head), then set them loose and have them take out the legs like it’s an AT-AT walker.
Who said Thunder Thighs were ugly?
She’s cute and is unstoppable if you keep throwing your opponent to the ground using an unblockable steady medium punch button attack (SNES). The only way to tame Chun-Li was by slipping your fireballs between her Lightening Legs when she least expected it.
*random fact: The literal translation of “testicles” in Korean is “fire eggs.”
#8. Kermit the Frog
OK, this Kermit isn’t a cartoon but one thing remains. He’s still a frog, which means if cooked properly, he’ll taste like chicken (or so I’m told)!
The one time I thought I was eating frog, it turned out that it was dog. No lie. Let me explain…
1) I was tricked! I’m a proud owner of two crazy pugs, and would never voluntarily eat dog.
2) This happened in Korea where eating dog (not awesome) and eating live octopus (very Calvin and Hobbesishly awesome!) is a delicacy.
3) In Korean culture, no matter how old you are, you’re expected to do as you are told by your elders. This is great news if you’re planning to hold off on going crazy with drugs until you’re old like I’m planning to.
“Grandson! You are NOT allowed to go play with your friends until you take a hit of this pipe with your grandfather! Ok, good. Now run along and tell your grandma that I’m still waiting for her to bake those damn brownies I asked for an hour ago!”
I can’t wait to be 80.
So the story goes like this: while my dad was visiting me in Seoul, he invited me to have dinner with him and his friends. I was late and arrived when everyone had finished. As I sat down, a friend of his ordered me another plate of what they were having. When the stew came out, I noticed that it had a very strong odor that I had never smelled before. It didn’t smell appetizing at all, but it would have been unthinkable to turn it down. I turned to my dad,
“What is this?”
He said “Gae-goh-gee” (dog), but I heard “Gae-goo-ree” (frog).
I thought great! I’ve never had frog… I heard it tastes like chicken. But… it didn’t taste like chicken at all, so I got concerned. I asked my dad again,
“What did you say this was?”
He responds “It’s Penny’s (our pug) cousin.”
I couldn’t get past it mentally and stopped after that piece. It didn’t taste good. It was very tender and gamy, like the first time you ate lamb. A rough aftertaste. No more of that for me, thanks.
#7. Minnie Mouse
Usually I’m not a fan of stick legs. I’ve seen too many girls like this pass me by in Korea and it just made me want to snap those legs like twigs.
But Minnie is different. She has curves, so the twig legs actually help make her mouse booty look bigger. The next time you’re at Disneyland, go take a picture with Minnie and check out the rodent badokadonk that she’s hiding underneath her polka dot dress and Victorian era granny panties. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. If Mickey gives you any shit with his creepy “what are you doing” mime gestures, do a variation of these moves in a mime dance of your own… and he’ll get the picture.
Those legs and backside are what Minnie used to rise to the top. Hot.
She’s blue, and owns the only shapely pair of an entire species. +10 pts.
Just one look at those legs made all the other Smurfs, including Papa, get that old fashioned romantic feeling where they would do anything to Smurf her:
Her only downside is that all of her attractiveness goes out the window when she opens her mouth. Not like that you smurfin perv.
Her voice is like a mix between Fran Drescher, and a raspy Lindsay Lohan. It’s more painful to listen to than hearing someone with a thick fobby Asian or Indian accent hit on a hot chick at a club.
You Smurfed her in her Smurfin’ Smurf?
That is freakin’ Smurf!
#5. Lara Croft
Lara Croft was a phenomenon. She made horny 13 year olds get excited enough to search the internet not for porn, but for cheat codes to make Laura Croft nude.
Even the unimaginative kid could have easily Googled “sex” and found something better than 32-bit polygonal boobies… sorry. Alta Vista-ed “sex.”
That or Ask Jeeves: “Jeeves, Where could I possibly find some free pictures of above average-looking females with low self-esteem and daddy issues who are confused between the concept of modeling and pornography?” enter.
It made absolutely no sense, but everyone was doing it. It was almost as bad as buying The Sims just to see if you could force your Sims to do the DO. Not that I tried that or anything… I personally like to watch them do things I don’t like to do, like wash the dishes or scrub the toilet. After a long day at the office, I like to unwind with a glass of wine and escape into a virtual world of very, very boring reality. That’s ENTERTAINMENT BABY!
#4. Jessica Rabbit
Jessica Rabbit. Hands down the sexiest cartoon character to ever grace a G-rated movie. And her hotness is definitely all credited to her lovely set of… uh… legs.
She’s somehow loyally married to a coked out rabbit with Ron Artest “Malice in the Palace Crazy Eyes.” It just goes to show how sometimes personality can go a long way in bagging the hot chick.
Exhibit A. Jay-Z and Beyonce
No explanation needed.
Exhibit B. Famous Korean comedians and supermodel chicks
Korean comedians look like goblins and aren’t funny (comedy shows are similar to crappy high school skits). Believe it or not, this guy is actually really famous:
and it wouldn’t be unusual if someone like him ended up with a wife like her:
A very strange loophole in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution…
#3. Bugs Bunny in drag
Bugs has slender, yet powerful legs and is slick enough to tame the mighty hunter with her graceful ballet moves. Classic.
Bugs Bunny ballet > Black Swan
Something about Bugs’ three egg-shaped toes is sexy.
Two? Ugly. Look like nubs.
Four? You’re ridiculous. Who has four toes?
Five? Back to hotness.
#2. Nanny from Muppet Babies
For all we know, she doesn’t have a nose and wears a scull cap to keep her splotchy scruffy hairs from falling out of her head.
Shoelaces? No, I prefer pinwheels thank you very much.
Awesome Halloween costume:
1. She used her soul as collateral in bargaining with a magical sea witch to turn her mermaid tail into human legs. Ursula used magic! I highly doubt that she would give Ariel a pair of bulging Doughboy legs with rolls of cellulite and a pair of cankles. Come on! Her legs had to be perfect.
2. Can you say FRESH? Her legs were brand new with a 72 hour expiration (sunset on the third day). That meant no callouses, no strange veins that resembled the Los Angeles highway system, and no Sideshow Bob feet. In fact, her feet must have been as soft as baby toes.