For some reason, probably due to pressure from aggressive P.T.A. moms, the school district approved giving your class of 28 second graders fresh scalpels with minimal supervision in the name of science.
Here’s how it went down:
You are placed into teams of four. A giant cow eye, presented on what looks to be a Black & Decker toaster oven tray, is placed in the center of your island of desks. There is no real objective for this “experiment”. Your teacher Mrs. Evans’ only instructions are to poke around and explore! You first look at the giant severed eye, then at the brand new knife which is resting perfectly on top of a single delicatessen napkin, then back at the black pupil.
Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the task at hand, you quickly glance at your teammates to gauge if anyone possessed the gladiator-like bravery to assume the role of head surgeon. No signs for now.
Instead you each grab your scalpel in a clenched fist and take turns lightly tapping the cornea with the flat side of the blade. You instantly flashback to the numerous Rock-Paper-Scissors tournaments you held with your brother at the Asian grocery stores to see who had to poke the bulging eyes of the fish lying out in the open displays.
In the middle of your team’s rounds of Neanderthal-ic poking and discovery, something possesses Cody as he suddenly flips his scalpel upside down, re-gripping his instrument into a Scream/O.J. stabbing posture.
Black goo squirts out from the incision, barely missing your Hypercolor Bart Simpson “Don’t Have a Cow Man!” t-shirt, landing at the edge of your desk. The remaining fluid begins to jizz and drizzle out from the puncture until a jizzle’sworth* of goo pools around the base of the white eye.
Mrs. Evans comes by your table flashing a big smile. Your team is by far the most fearless and most active group, thanks to Cody’s killer instincts.
“Oh my! Looks like you guys discovered the insides of an eye! Good work!”
She winks at Cody, who’s now averting his shifty Episode III, Anakin Skywalker evil eyes, panting through his clenched teeth, as eye goo bleeds off from the tip of the scalpel onto his exposed fingers.
What a RAW experience!
You’re not sure what you learned from that science experiment, but it was fun… and now you know who to call if you ever need a playground hitman.
(Fortunately, none of the kids figured out how it is much easier and less painful to perform a Blood Brother ritual using the school provided scalpel, rather than repeatedly digging an unraveled paper clip into your fingertip until you draw a drop of blood while hiding in the biography section of the school library).
*trademarked by Retro’80sKid