If you’re like me, Mr. Peanut actually doesn’t remind you of nuts at all, but instead his image still triggers a Pavlovian Response to the greatest snack in the history of snacks… Planter’s CHEEZ BALLS!
Don’t get me wrong. Cheetos were also excellent, but you ate Cheetos like you ate chips, a couple at a time. Eating Cheez Balls was like eating popcorn… nonstop fistfulls rammed into your face until it was all gone.
Five orange fingers after a bag of Cheetos? Pure gluttony. After a tin of Cheez Balls? Socially expected behavior, as long as your palm was also covered in the magical cheese dust. Seriously, only freaks would ever eat popcorn or Cheez Balls one at a time.
It had a light, airy texture which would instantly begin to melt away in your mouth, creating a thick orange saliva that would fill in the porous treat and make it feel soft and smooth. But it was a facade. With one giant crunch the Cheez Ball would explode into a hundred shards of Cheezy shrapnel, cementing a new cheese filling on your molars while roughing up your mouth in a way that came just second to Captain Crunch…
Still, Cheez Balls were freakin good, and with each devoured ball you dove deeper and deeper into the Planters’ addiction.
You were so enslaved by your need for a fix that you would save empty Cheez Ball cans under the clever guise of a collection of recyclable bongo drums, only to secretly pop the top open to inhale huge whiffs of the Eau De Chez-Bal while stroking the greasy aluminum lining of the empty canister. Not a pretty sight.
I’m glad I stopped Cheez Ballin’. That’s how you end up as a Fattie… so bad for you, but it’s soooooo good!