My family always went to Costco, because back then, when it was Price Club, you actually got a great bargain by buying bulk. But this meant I had waayy more school supplies than I ever needed. Need Scotch Tape? How about 20 dispensers? Need a Sharpie to label your hoodie? Now you have 49 too many. Want to start writing a journal in a composition book? Now you have enough paper to write an autobiography. Go!
Like me, you probably spent the rest of your time within the warehouse improving your physical and mental agility. In between making mad dashes from the snack sections to the shopping cart, juking and spinning around the other customers with a gallon of ice cream and beef jerky tucked under your arm like a pro running back, you honed your Jedi negotiation skills by convincing the old ladies who were handing out samples of freshly microwaved hamburgers, that
- You absolutely did not need parental supervision to eat the sample
- That it was in their best interest financially to let you try it, since at that point you were “very interested” in purchasing a box just based on the smell alone
- And that no, that other kid who swiped three servings and ran away a minute ago was NOT you.
Finally came the highlight of every Back-to-School shopping run: getting to pick out a crisp new Jansport backpack!
Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there spaz, you found the color you wanted, but you can’t just wear it out of the box! People will think you’re a freak. You gotta go through the Jansport customization check list:
The Frilly Leather Bits Attached to the Zipper:
Cool: Lose 2/3 of them. Only save the one for your goto zipper on the main pouch.
Lame: Add as much shit as you can to it so you sounds like a “Just Married” car as you walk by. Unless you’re a girl, then it was kinda cute.
Gangsta: Cut them all off.
Should I One Strap It???
Cool: Only if it’s 1996.
Lame: 1996-Present. Also, apparently you want Scoliosis.
Gangsta: Ah HELL no homie!
Cool: Loose with about a fist length of strap hanging out.
Lame: As tight as possible. You’re going mountain climbing at school, right?
Gangsta: As loose as you can get it. Your backpack is going to gallop on your ass while you walk, but that’s how you roll. Don’t make eye contact with me in the halls, or I’ll cut you!
Now you’re good to go playa!
And more awesome: