Author Archives: Matthew

#7. Publisher’s Clearing House’s $10 million dollar sweepstakes

“You may soon win $10 million dollars in the American family sweepstakes!” — Ed MacMahon was speaking to me. Really. Like how a cult leader can get you to drink the Kool-Aid. Every few months, a thick envelope came with … Continue reading

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#9. The Trade Value of a Single McDonald’s Fry at Lunch.

You’re late for school. Your mom didn’t have time to pack you a lunch. But, she redeems herself at noon when the secretary interrupts class through the P.A. system to announce that your mom brought your lunch to the office. … Continue reading

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#6. Dimetapp: God’s gift to sick children

It tastes like a liquid Japanese grape-chew candy. It’s the only medicine in the history of medicine that compels you to come running for your dose at the exact scheduled time, which is followed by lots of grinning and a … Continue reading

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#5. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, START

A way to life. +30 lives to be exact. Also a way to decode life. See for yourself: –Person with bipolar disorder: “Today I feel so Up, Up :), Down, Down 😦” –The synchronized eyes of spectators watching Wimbledon from … Continue reading

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#4. When Cigarette and Alcohol Companies Gave Away Free Shit All the Time

Don’t smoke. Smoking is bad. Drinking hardcore isn’t good either… But free t-shirts, beer coolers, hats, playing cards, cool motion sensor dancing Coors Light Cans in oversized sunglasses?! That’s always going to be welcome. I got all kinds of cool … Continue reading

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#3. When Weezer Actually Made Music…

We all heard “Say it Ain’t So” on the radio, fell in love with the Blue Album, (Pinkerton was/is awesome too) and with Weezer. They were amazing! The “Buddy Holly” music video even came preloaded on Windows 95… We loved … Continue reading

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#2. Awesome old school plastic lunchboxes!

G.I. Joe, Hulk Hogan, Ghostbusters… whatever the theme, the front sticker was always something cool that you could stare at during the entire lunch period. The thermos had a cap that could be used as a cup, and featured a … Continue reading

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Updating and Reposting

Hey Retro ’80s Kid fans! It’s been a long time, but I’m back! Sort of. I decided to go through each post and clean them up. Some of the video links are dead, pics need to be upgraded, and posts … Continue reading

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#1. Bathroom Panic Attacks in Oshkosh Overalls

You’re three. In preschool. You gotta pee, and mom is not around. Suddenly life in your overalls doesn’t feel as magical as when you were rolling around getting dirty and feeling invincible. You also most definitely don’t feel like a … Continue reading

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The Final Post. Check out www.OMbyUM.com next!

Dear Retro 80’s Kid Fans, It’s been a good run, but I have decided to stop writing for Retro80skid.com in order to focus on more important topics. In my new blog, http://www.OMbyUM.com, I tap into my inner health freak/zen master … Continue reading

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